The Bitches of Howick
Our movie industry is actually a scary business that leaves little if any to the imagination. SInce its earliest years we have seen many attempts by local producers and movie makers to draw the local folk to the box office with reasonable success. We had people like the late Jamie Uys, Dirk De Villiers, Jan Scholtz in the hay days of the business who made from comedies (with the old African spicy recipe) to love stories and even a thriller here and there. All was fairly yawny affairs and then came Schuster who discovered that candid camera actually existed and made God knows how many "lag jou gat af" movies. Most jokes were so old we actually laughed about them over and over again until we realised that the only funny thing were those not laughing. Afrikaners is mos plesierig en dan maak hulle so.
Although we have the best natural sets and scenery in the world we almost seem to miss a good story and other people, normally from Hollywood, have to tell the story. And then they also miss the point many times and only tell half of the story. We are a rugby nation but we just couldn't make a movie with political undertones about rugby. Resulting into Matt Damon playing Francois Pienaar, someone who never kicked a rugby ball in his life nor have been tackled that his teeth rattled. The Stander saga was also filmed and produced by the Yanks. Not closely to the truth in their attempts to dramatize and romanticize it so that Andre looked human and like a sort of Robin Hood. Against the system you know, that's why he did it after all. He was a common criminal nothing else, why hide it? I agree, maybe we must be proud of our own criminals, like the Yanks ye know.
I recently watched Jozi, after falling asleep 10 minutes into our greatest production of the century - District 9, as I felt guilty for not supporting SA produced movies and what a disappointment it was. They should actually get the guy who made the trailer to shoot more scenes and make a movie. Suppose to be a comedy it was just not funny. Maybe they should sell free joints with the movie instead of that dreadful popcorn.
Just to get the people in the mood. And so we can carry on, one after the other. So what seems to be the problem? I think these guys lack imagination and true creativeness. They also want to always portray us for what we are not.
This tendency is clearly visible in our soapies too, I know no fellow Afrikaans speaking South Africans who act like these "actors" in normal life. For fuck sakes, didn't they all start their carreers with Dulcie Van den Bergh or Patrick Mynardt? Or are they from another planet like in District 9? They are just too good and so predictable in acting the script you can actually go for a leak during a scene and still be up to speed on the plot after five minutes. Even the old Ge Korsten song, "Liefling' was good cause for the making of a movie by the same name. Staunch Afrikaners who listen to Kurt and Nicholas daily, and even attended Skouspel for the past 5 years, says it was the worst musical they've ever seen since Grease. The one girl reckons she is sure they filmed the auditions and just edited it. Well if you get bobbys for actors, what do you expect. Rather make a movie about the current state of affairs. A movie the people can relate to. But oh no, we will keep on making movies with scripts from stories as old as the mountains. " Eendag lank lank gelede was daar 'n oom op die plaas.........."
Well if this is how it's going to be how about just copying popular movies, change the storyline and plot a bit and there you go. I choose the Witches of Eastwick and suggest it to be changed to the "Bitches of Howick". Down under in the scenic Natal, nice location to shoot too. I suggest three girls that all fall in love after been seduced by the very sexy and charismatic male part. This godlike figure is a to die for charismatic government employee that have enough power to make the Rand tumble and can spend thousands on meals at the country's favorite take-away outlets. A man who spoils his women. Taking them along on his international visits to shop till they drop, from London to Paris. This man of course, none the other than our Minister of Finances, Jacob "Vloog" Botha.
But the problem starts with the outgoing and different personalities of the "bitches". The one girl is a frustrated goth spinster, the other a neurotic nymphomaniac and the most dangerous the third......... a lesbian sangoma. However, they know how to plot and win. seducing a tongue in cheek impersonation of the devil, the man in charge of SARS. With the sole purpose of seducing him so that they don't have to pay tax and get a hold on state affairs. After been seduced during a night of triple ecstasy, lust and lies he appoints them in the top three executive positions as his confidantes. They immediately start investigating the financial dealings of the Prez to capture the State and handover control to an influential family, the Bhupas.
Like with most conspiracies, this doesn't work out as you cannot serve three "masters" at the same time. Vloog starts to connive directly with the Bhupas as the eldest brother is married to his sister Bongi Botha. The "bitches"plot to kill him after finding out about his double dealing with the Bhupas and get the Chief of Police to do it. In return for this favor they promise the Chief a tax free retirement once they have taken over office with a free home in Nkandla.
Only one man can save the country and it's people (very distinctive Hollywood) and that's our hero. The public prosecutor, a man name Thuliano Maketa. But, will he get it right this time?
I know it sounds a bit ridiculous but that's typical of our movies. It's just a case of mind over matter.....or is it?
